At this very moment the eyes of strangers
are roving over the 80,000 words I have sweated out over the last nine months
(or seven years if you scroll back to when I started writing this book when I
was pregnant with my first child).
Yes, my first draft is out there in the
world. More than that, the people reading my words aren’t just friends. They
are people who produce books for a living. Real live publishers.
I am trying to think of words to describe
how I feel. Is there an emotion that is a cross between butterflies of
excitement, heart-pounding terror, clammy-handed dread and the certainty that
you have left the front door wide open and your laptop in plain sight? It’s
kind of like that.
I used to be an actor, and I felt something
similar when I was waiting to hear back from an audition. The major difference
is an audition only takes a few days to prepare, and if they aren’t interested
in my book I can’t tell myself it’s because they wanted a blonde, or someone with
bigger boobs. This time it is comes down to entirely to me. My story. My
writing.
I’m not usually prone to insomnia, but this
emotional turmoil is robbing me of sleep. The second my head hits the pillow or
I stir as one of my children coughs in the night, my heart pounds me wide
awake. Thump. Thump. Thump. People are looking at my book. My brain floods with
the words I have written and I re-work them over an over again, seeing all the
things I haven’t done and the things I could have done better.
I tell myself to relax, that there is
nothing I can do about it now, but I am so charged with excited dread that it
feels like I have just chugged ten espressos. Editors are good at seeing the
story in spite of the flaws. Right?
The one thought I am using to get myself
through the days until I hear their feedback is that no one can take those
80,000 words away from me. They are mine. No matter what happens I won’t be
starting back at zero. Thank the lord.
Writing this first draft has been
intellectually, emotionally and creatively fulfilling in ways I could never
have imagined. To get to work with an editor to take my work to the next level
would be a dream come true. I will get back to you to let you know what happens
from here. Wish me luck!
